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Many of the professionals I help through the Sacred Work foundation struggle with managing employee or workplace conflict. There's a reason for that! It's difficult and unpleasant. But—how and when we respond to conflict shapes the outcome.

How does conflict show up in life and work?

Conflict happens when there’s a disagreement: people or situations clash, and the result is a struggle. It makes us feel like we’re inside a pressure cooker. Many times, the struggle is internal because we choose not to speak into it. For example:

• A relative holds opposite political views. Before you see them at holidays, you prepare yourself to grit your teeth or—you plan to avoid them.
• A friend you share a lot of history with dominates your conversations. You love the person, so you decide not to say anything. After every conversation, you come away feeling exhausted.
• A member of your team at work is always complaining or naysaying other people’s ideas. This behavior bogs the team down, but you’re not the leader, so you say nothing.
• A peer keeps making decisions that negatively impact the people you manage. You’ve talked to the person already, but it hasn’t stopped. You feel like the first conversation should have been enough. So now, you’re procrastinating. You resent having to deal with it again.

Why is it so hard to deal with conflict?

In each of the above situations, we’re stuck. We’ve resigned ourselves to how things are. Why?

• We’ve decided that the relationship is more important than our temporary discomfort.
• We’re overwhelmed by the idea of saying something.
• We were brought up not to “rock the boat.”
• We keep hoping that the situation will resolve itself.
• We don’t believe things can change.
• We simply don’t want to deal with it! It’s unpleasant.

What’s the number one reason we avoid dealing with conflict?

The number one reason most people avoid dealing with conflict is that they don’t like confrontation. Even the word “confrontation” immediately creates a negative emotional reaction. Confrontation is uncomfortable, so we skirt around it.

This is true whether the conflict is inside or outside of work. Here we’ll focus on managing workplace conflict, but some of the tips can help you manage personal conflict, too.

A case study on workplace conflict:

A new manager became frustrated because one of her team members was causing friction. "Dan" was also relatively new and was hired by the previous manager. He consistently complained about customers once he got off the phone with them, yet he spent an excessive amount of time chatting with them about his personal life. The team sat in an open workspace, so everyone could hear him.

My new manager came to me frustrated about the complaints and the employee. Her desk was farther away from Dan’s, but she’d made it a point to be near his desk so she could listen. She also checked the phone logs, and it was clear that there was a problem.

She said, “I dread coming into work because of this issue. This has been going on for weeks, and I had really hoped that Dan was just going through a hard time and that this was temporary. I hear the phone ring at Dan’s desk, and I cringe. I walk through the team’s work area, and I can feel everyone starting at me. They expect me to handle it.”

“Yes,” I told my manager, “They expect you to handle it, and so do I.”

Unlike personal conflict, workplace conflict demands that managers and leaders take action. The longer we wait, the harsher the consequences are. Here are five tips I shared with her:

1. Conflict is normal. Whether it’s between employees, leaders, or departments, conflict is bound to happen.
2. Remember that it’s your job; it’s what you’re paid to do. When we’re in charge, we’re responsible for minimizing and diffusing conflict, regardless of what it’s about.
3. Think about the consequences that will come into play if you don’t act. If we fail to act, morale, productivity, and our reputation as leaders will degrade. We also contribute to a culture where accountability loses its place. Employees will talk amongst themselves until the conflict escalates and becomes disruptive.
4. Imagine what life on the other side of the conflict looks like. This step has always been a prime motivator for me. I asked my new manager, “Can you imagine what it would be like to have this monkey off your back? What would it be like to come into work, knowing that the issue was resolved? Wouldn’t it be great to walk through the office feeling confident that you took care of a problem instead of feeling ashamed because you hadn’t?”
5. Know that when you manage conflict well, you’re building a stronger, better workplace. Your employees will respect you as their leader. They’ll feel safe coming to you with problems because they know you’ll do what needs to be done so they can thrive. You build trust.

The manager privately confronted her employee and clarified what behaviors needed to change. The behaviors did not change, which caused the conflict to resurface. But the manager was prepared. She had gained traction and confidence by confronting conflict at the source the first time. Taking action in the spirit of resolution felt much better than being bogged down by tension. The employee didn’t receive correction well and left the company.

It was a difficult experience for a new manager, but because of it —she grew as a leader and forged a strong relationship with her team. The tension dissipated and the team dynamic changed for the better.

Workplace conflict and the bottom line:

Leaders and managers can’t avoid conflict, but we can

• act promptly,
• navigate wisely,
• confront fairly, and
• conduct ourselves peacefully.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ~Ephesians 4:31 (NIV)

Do not hate your neighbor in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly, so you will not share in his guilt. ~Leviticus 19:17 (NIV)

Encouragement

I often say that the Holy Spirit is the most underused superpower that Christians have! We are not alone in facing the hard stuff at work. Pray for discernment, courage, and timing. Pray for the people involved in the conflict and then lead them courageously through it.